It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
