So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
