i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
