foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
