I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my sisters under your porch take her home
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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