**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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