shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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