My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
