So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
