Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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