Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
