When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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