Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
