dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
