Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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