would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
