party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
