even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
