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if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
