Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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