I don't think brook has ever known best
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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