Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We need to get me chipped asap
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
