You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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