my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
