I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
