if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
3pm strippers are depressing
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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