I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
