he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
