I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
