The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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