thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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