i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
