I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
This is my gift to your gina
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
