i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
