Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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