I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
