I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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