got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
