I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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