i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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