It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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