My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
