To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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