i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
