My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
