I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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