If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
