genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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