I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
