I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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