You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
