i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
