How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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