I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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