After last night, I could never be a politician.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
