It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
