i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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