Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
