Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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