Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
