Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize