Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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