My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
