Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize