I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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