i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
