I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Even the bartender felt bad for me
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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