you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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